2012 Rumble Bundle

True fans of the Kansas City Roller Warriors anxiously await the news each and every Fall, and it’s here. You can now buy your 2012 Rumble Bundle for the low price of $66 per adult or $36 per child ages 6-12, just click that linky-pooh right there.

Season ticket holders always receive a nice bonus gift at the first bout; last year, mine was a big wet smooch from one of the Black Eye Susans, but I don’t remember which one because I immediately passed out.

Worth. Every. Penny.

All right, I made that up. To receive your Rumble Bundle in time for Christmas, your order must be received no later than December 15. Orders placed after that will be mailed out on March 14, and any orders received after March 15 cannot be guaranteed a smooch bonus gift.

Here are the dates for the 2012 Kansas City Roller Warriors season:

March 24
April 28
June 30 (two f#cking months later!)
July 28
August 18
September 15

So get on the ball, Wolfpackers, and get your 2012 Rumble Bundle in time for the holidays! It makes a great gift for, you know, me.

Send Colin Mayhem to the World Cup of Roller Derby

Troy Olsen is better known to the world of Kansas City roller derby as Colin Mayhem, one of the voices of Dead Girl Derby for the last three years. At the behest of a league ref, he applied to be an announcer for the upcoming World Cup of Roller Derby taking place December 1-4 in Toronto, Canada.

Well, he was accepted… but somehow, out in the foggy reaches of the vast Internet ether, the notification e-mail did not reach him. Details are fuzzy, but he just received word of his selection earlier in the week, and now he’s scrambling to raise the dough to finance the trip with less than three weeks to go.

Yeah, unfortunately…

The good news is, you can help. Yeah you, Mr. Wall Street.

Mr. Mayhem has set up a donation page on WePay.com, which means it couldn’t be easier to CLICK HERE TO DONATE. Just follow that link, and together, we can send Colin Mayhem to the World Cup of Roller Derby and along with him, much derby love from Kansas City.

Team USA will be competing against 12 other countries for the World Cup including Argentina, New Zealand, Finland, Germany, Ireland, and Sweden. It’s a very exciting time in the world of roller derby, so please don’t hesitate to CLICK HERE TO DONATE.

And pass it on, Kansas City!

WFTDA Weekend Wrap-Up

Since Charm City effectively screwed my tournament bracket back into the Stone Age, I won’t go game-by-game in our wrap-up of this weekend’s Continental Divide and Conquer championships. Instead, we’ll just hit the high notes, and you know what that means: the Kansas City Roller Warriors.

For the most part, anyway.


Texas 141, Minnesota 108

All right, am I the only nut that just plain didn’t see Minnesota coming? I tweeted after the game that my hat was off to them, the one team I certainly underestimated the most out of the entire tournament. And I have to hand it to them, they went one round further than I expected and then gave the Texas Rollergirls a pretty good run for their money, one that the final score doesn’t really reflect; they were ahead by 11 going into halftime, for one thing. Texas being the second-half team that they are, though, they definitely came out swinging, and they played the patient game long enough to let Minnesota get themselves into penalty trouble before allowing their stellar defense to pick up the pieces. Texas can talk all they want about how they aren’t a one-trick pony, but until they start relying on someone other than Olivia Shootin’ John for their early bouts in these tournaments, we’re going to keep on not believing them.

That’s a start.

Texas has other effective jammers (Vicious Van Gogo, Bloody Mary, Shortcut) that entered the rotation pretty regularly later in the tournament, but you have to wonder how much of that was due to the sheer fatigue Olivia Shootin’ John was experiencing as a result of wearing the star almost exclusively earlier in the weekend. The statistics may not quite bear that out the way I’m telling it, but from a fan’s perspective, you could almost say OJ’s name along with the announcers when the jam began, kind of like an old song you’ve heard a hundred times.


Kansas City 112, Windy City 95

They’re calling this an upset even though Kansas City already beat Chicago back on September 10 — and never mind that it’s nearly impossible for the average fan to translate rankings between divisions, Windy City seeded 1 in the North Central and KCRW seeded 2 in the South Central. Nevertheless, there was very little doubt in my little mind that Kansas City was going to take out Chicago, and while Windy City isn’t a pushover by any measure, I’ve heard virtually nothing about them all season long; Kansas City, meanwhile, is one of the most dreaded teams in all of women’s flat track and has been for years. You get that reputation by remaining consistently highly-ranked in your division, which Windy City has done, and other things like beating Rat City for the goddamn championship in 2007, which they didn’t. Kansas City did.

So ugly, it’s beautiful again.

It was a very low-scoring, defensive game, and the best team won, simple as that. What drove me particularly insane were the dufuses calling the game on DerbyAccess.com; I have mercifully forgotten their names. They’re fine as announcers overall, but for some reason, they couldn’t quit calling us “Kansas.” At one point, I even politely tweeted to #talk2WFTDA that we were not known as such. And they may have even seen it, since it was re-tweeted a handful of times, and they only called us “Kansas” twice in the entire second half.

Just… know your teams, my friends, especially if you’re charged with the play-by-play. Otherwise, let D’Nouncer Duane and Dumptruck take the lead on KC’s games, since that’s who we want to hear anyway.


Oly 124, Kansas City 104

Fun fact: anyone who saw Kansas City take a 20-point lead over the Oly Rollers this weekend and still questions our ability to compete on this level doesn’t know the first thing about flat track roller derby.

Yes, I just got through saying that Kansas City is one of the most dreaded teams in the league, and there are still people who write off the entire South Central division like we’re not even there. Well, tell Rose City that we don’t exist; tell Chicago, or any of other teams we’ve kicked around in the last six months (including Jet City, Rat City, Nashville, and Atlanta). No longer should there be any question as to the level of skill, tenacity, heart, and pure muscle of the Kansas City Roller Warriors. This game against Oly seals it.

Oly beat KC earlier this year by 81 points, and that’s a pretty decent thumpin’, regardless of the strong showing we put up against them. So to hold them to only 124 points in the semi-finals — and take a 20-point lead at any point in the game — should certainly show what we’re made of. When was the last time they were treated like that? Before this weekend, it hadn’t happened in quite some time.

Even when you win, you lose.

We looked fantastic. We skated well and we put the fear of Gotham in the Oly Rollers, and this game, above all, is why I’m prouder than ever of our Wolfpack.


Texas 136, Kansas City 112

While I was hoping this would be a day to even the score — and show the Texas Rollergirls that we really are the better team — it wasn’t in the cards for us on Sunday. Texas can’t be accused, on this particular occasion, of firing the same gun all day, as they rotated their jammers in and out in impressive fashion throughout the game. KCRW even led 62-50 at the half, but a penalty-heavy second half threatened a handful of our best skaters much earlier than I would have liked, including a bogus forearm major called on Kelley Young that I personally saw no sign of. That afforded Texas a monster power jam late-ish in the game that didn’t blow it wide open, but certainly made things far more difficult than they needed to be. The Wolfpack never really did recover from that, and the clock ticked away, giving Tex-ass a third place win and relegating KC to 4th where they didn’t belong.

Just sayin’.

Again, this in no way diminishes Kansas City’s achievement in Denver this year. We made it to the final four. We didn’t take fourth out of four teams, we took fourth out of the entire friggin’ league. In all of women’s flat track. I count 124 teams, and three of them did better than we did — on paper, anyway.

And lest we forget, congratulations to Kelley Young for being named the Continental Divide and Conquer Tournament MVP on Sunday evening, as well as Eclipse for being voted to the All Tournament Team.

Bottom line…

We had a phenomenal season, arguably the best since we won the whole thing in 2007. I can’t begin to tell you how much fun it’s been, following the Wolfpack’s wins these last few months, seeing Plan B play in Des Moines, and watching the All-Star team beat the tar out of practically every squad in their path all the way up to the Show-Me Der-B-Q, which was a derby experience like no other. Watching KCRW compete on DerbyAccess.com was a ton of fun and a bit surreal, since I see all those guys in real life all the time. Although tripping up to Denver wasn’t possible for me this year (and next year’s tournament in Atlanta will be even less so), I do look forward to possibly making the South Central tournament next season in Lincoln, Nebraska.

As for my own bracket, Charm City (boo!) was where things really went wrong for me. Other than that, I didn’t miss much, and in fact, every bracket error I made was directly tied to Charm City co-screwing the pooch with me on Friday evening.

I called Gotham to take it all, and they did; I put Oly in second, and they got it. Never mind Charm, and then KCRW in fourth place rounds out a pretty nicely-called tournament for me. I wonder what my prize will be.

After Charm City? This.

Day One in Denver

Well… ok.

Looking at the bracket picks that I posted earlier (but actually selected over a month ago), you might be tempted to ask where exactly my head was at certain points during the day, particularly if you were following the games as closely as I was.

That’s never an easy answer, of course, but sometimes I really outdo myself. The day didn’t go that badly for me, but when I screw the pooch, well, it’s not a typical pooch-screw. It’s like Jersey Shore meets Petland up in here.

Minnesota 160, Charm City 121

Pictured: my updated bracket.

What the hell happened here? I had Charm City winning by triple digits and expressed a bit of astonishment that Minnesota was in Denver at all this weekend. To my slack-jawed surprise, Minnesota led for most of the game and only gave up the lead in the second half when Baltimore managed to edge a few points ahead, only to lose it again. Then it was over. Was I just thinking of the wrong team, or did I overestimate Charm City that much? I had them taking third place in the tournament, for the love of Kansas City barbecue!

Rocky Mountain 198, Nashville 58

The only thing I did wrong here was possibly underestimate Nashville by an eyelash. Rocky Mountain is such a national-caliber juggernaut, and Nashville underwhelmed me so much at the Show-Me Der-B-Q, that I predicted this would be “by far the ugliest game of the tournament.” Turns out, it wasn’t even the ugliest game of the day. Rocky Mountain did win by triple digits, so I at least got that right, but given that they only won by 140 points, I have to wonder if they were drunk or something.

At one point, the announcers even said that 99% of the brackets entered on BracketMaker.com had Rocky Mountain beating Nashville, which was by far the most lopsided pick of the entire tournament.

You kind of know what’s coming.

Kansas City 143, Rose City 135

I really couldn’t have been more right about this one. The only thing I really knew about Rose City going in was that they were ranked fourth in the mind-bogglingly powerful West and that their game is pretty similar to the Wolfpack’s. At one point in the second half, a power jam gave Kansas City a 32-point lead, but that evaporated over the next several minutes as Rose City consistently gained lead jammer status and somehow kept KC jammers Kelley Young and Track Rat stuck at the back of the pack. When that happens, a fan watching at home on live streaming often forgets that yelling at the screen in impotent rage won’t get his jammer through the pack any faster.

I feel like that a lot.

Fortunately, it didn’t last long, as Kansas City managed a couple of very strong jams toward the end of the second half that gave them a lead they wouldn’t relinquish. Then, of course, the Wolfpack let Rose City take lead jammer for the last two jams, because they apparently hadn’t sufficiently tested my family’s history of cardiopulmonary disease.

Philly 255, Naptown 68

Well, I did say that Philly would crush Naptown early an often, and in fact, when I tuned in at halftime, Philly was up 104-20. That pretty much told me what I needed to know.

I didn’t feel any better about the Minnesota game, though.

All the 3 seeds have now been eliminated, and the remainder of the tournament will be a slugfest between the regional champions and the runners-up. Keep an eye on our Twitter account tomorrow, as we’ll be bringing you score updates and any other morsels of information we can get our claws on, and here’s wishing the Kansas City Roller Warriors the best of luck against Windy City tomorrow afternoon. Game time is 2:00 Central.

WFTDA Championships

I’ve already run down my picks in this weekend’s Continental Divide and Conquer tournament, but thanks to BracketMaker.com, you can go in and set your brackets in stone, baby.

And there they are. I’ve got KCRW squeaking past Rose City in the controversial first round and not stopping until they meet Oly in the semi-finals, finally coming to rest in fourth place behind juggernauts Gotham, Oly, and Charm City.

It’s going to be a very interesting weekend for roller derby fans, and I can’t wait to see how things pan out. Above all, I couldn’t be prouder of the Wolfpack for making it to the championships yet again this year. You just can’t keep those Kansas City girls down. Of course, we’ll be posting the relevant results here as soon as we’re able, and keep an eye on our Twitter page too.

Draft Day

As you may have seen from any number of breathless Facebook and Twitter posts in the last 24 hours, last night was the annual Dead Girl Derby draft party, and while full rosters and photos aren’t available just yet, KC Derby Digest has noticed a bit of a shake-up within the ranks.

Relax, it’s not a bad thing. If anything at all, it will only make 2012 even more interesting.

Most noteworthy in this faux-journalist’s opinion is the defection of Poison Evie (top scorer in the league) to the Deadly Sirens and Dir-T Diana (2011 Royal Pains team captain) to the Shotgun Sheilas. Both of these DGD superstars leave a Royal Pains team that went 1-6 in 2011, and if we’re being honest, even a superfan like KC Carr might wonder where this leaves Their Highnesses for the upcoming season.

Well, there’s good news. The Royal Pains have proudly announced nine very promising new recruits for the 2012 season, not the least of whom is Mel Breakdown, referee-turned-track-scrapper who, as of 10:30 last night, was already painting her nails purple. New recruits will be announced by their derby names once they (the names) are approved and everything is in place, but suffice it to say that things look very, very good for 2012.

Yes, that good.

Also of note: High D. Flys has transplanted from the Deadly Sirens to the Shotgun Sheilas along with Pixie Smash, whose history is so varied I remember seeing her in stripes as well as the black and yellow of KCRW.

Ever-curious about a shake-up like this one, I contacted Dixie Danger, head of PR for the Dead Girls’ league, who had this to say:

“We are all a family. Just because someone goes to another color does not mean they no longer like that team — hell, a good portion of the girls have tattoos to show their love of their team — [but] some people want change. Each team plays differently, skates differently, and works differently. I think the move is to try something new and the opportunity to skate with those you once skated against. I think it will be an entirely new experience to skate against someone you once skated with. There are advantages of knowing their skill and how they work, but it will be interesting to see how they skate with a different group of women.”

Dixie Danger of Dead Girl Derby

Congratulations to all the new recruits, and good luck to all four Dead Girl Derby teams in 2012.

All that's fit to digest from the world of Kansas City roller derby!