We are loath to admit it, but the 2013 Dead Girl Derby season is quickly coming to a close, and this Saturday night, the four teams will take the track once more at Kemper Arena to decide who takes home the coveted Dead Girl Derby championship.

Click to see the Facebook event page.

First on the agenda is the third-place game featuring the Deadly Sirens vs. the Lovely Lethals. Let’s begin by telling you what’s most interesting about the way this season has gone for these two teams:

The Deadly Sirens have only won one game this season, and that was against the Lovely Lethals.

The Lovely Lethals have only won one game this season, and that was against the Deadly Sirens.

Both are quality teams whose win-loss records simply don’t reflect the talent on the track; of that, there is no doubt. Here you’ve got two teams with stacked rosters who just haven’t quite been able to make things click in 2013. They caught some bad breaks at bad times, and penalties vs. points scored is almost certainly a thing. Combined, these two teams account for about 49% of the total penalties in the league this season, and that seems right on par. Unfortunately, they’re only responsible for about 33% of the total points scored, and you can bet that that divide has been a source of major irritation for two teams that, historically, have been very, very effective on the track overall.

Having said that, you can expect a very close, very defensive third-place game Saturday night from these well-matched teams, and we’re predicting a Lovely Lethals win by about a dozen points or so.

Then… I hope you’re ready. Because the championship game between the Shotgun Sheilas and the Royal Pains is going to be one you don’t want to miss and might never forget. But let’s begin by talking about the most interesting thing about the 2013 season where these two incredible teams are concerned:

The Shotgun Sheilas have only lost one game this season, and that was to the Royal Pains.

The Royal Pains have only lost one game this season, and that was to the Shotgun Sheilas.

Yeah, it’s like that.

The Sheilas are coming into this game as defending Dead Girl Derby champions. They went undefeated for about two calendar years, and in fact, before the Pains took them down at Heroes vs. Villains back in July, the Sheilas hadn’t lost a game since the team was named the Fearleaders. They head into Speeder of the Pack leading the league in scoring with an impressive 397-point total. They have the second-highest scoring jammer in the league (the always-astounding Hittie Kittie), a rock-solid defense, and some of the most intense and fiercely competitive coaching we’ve ever had the pleasure of witnessing trackside.

But only when they’re not out saving the world.

The Royal Pains are quite another story. This is a team that has roared back from some monumental obstacles to become one of the greatest success stories this young league has seen thus far. They landed squarely in last place in 2011, losing the third place game to a Fearleaders team that many feared (heh) wouldn’t win a game all season before they got their poop in a group. The Pains then went 0-6 in the regular season for 2012 before pulling third place out of their asses against a Deadly Sirens team nobody expected them to beat at the Zombie Apocalypse.

Did you catch that? They won no home games last year in the regular season. They managed a win against an upstart team on the road in St. Joseph, but that was all they got. They went into the third place game with only twelve skaters not out on medical leave and grabbed third place out of nowhere. One measly year later, they’ve got the highest and third-highest scoring jammers in the league (10acious V and Ami Geddon, respectively), they’ve lost exactly one game all season, and they’re poised to take the Dead Girl Derby championship this weekend for the first time ever.

In fact, that’s how we’re expecting it to go: we’re predicting a Royal Pains win by no more than 15 points, a frankly shocking turnaround for this loveable team of Bad News Bears that refused the lemons life handed them and instead resolved to make their own brand of delicious, ass-whoopin’ flat track lemonade infused with vodka and glitter crafted from the blood of their enemies. I honestly don’t even know what that means. But it’s bound to be good, and you can make mine a double.

Speeder of the Pack will be held this Saturday night at Kemper Arena, 1800 Genessee Street in Kansas City. Tickets are $15 for adults, $6 for kids ages 6-12, and $0 for kids 5 and under. Doors open at 4:30 p.m. and the games begin at 5:00. Don’t miss your chance to witness Dead Girl Derby history in the making and catch these talented ladies for the last time this year as they end their incredible 2013 season on what’s sure to be a very memorable note. We’ll see you out there.